To Dump Him or Not to Dump Him?

You have given it your all and have even tried going to counseling, but nothing seems to be working. You guys are not connecting and you barely kiss and touch each other. You keep contemplating dumping him, but you are just so confused.  Breakups are hard, no one is denying that, but you might be prolonging the enviable. I’m sure you do care about him, but sometimes that is not enough to keep the relationship going. The truth hurts, and we often don’t want to face it.

Maybe you just need some time alone, but then again time doesn’t always fix the problems in your relationship and can sometimes make them worse. If you are confused about dumping him, follow some of these signs to find out if it is time to cut your losses and end the relationship.

Signs it is Time to Dump Him:

1. Lack of Contact:

You guys stopped communicating as much as you used to, and can go a few days without talking to each other.  This is always a bad sign and it might be time to dump him. Usually when you are in love, you want to hear from the other person. Remember when you first started going out, you couldn’t wait to get a call from him? It would put a big smile on your face. Now when the phone rings you seem annoyed. You never feel like talking to him and can’t wait to get off the phone. Texting is also out of the question, because you can’t be bothered to text him to say hello or he hasn’t texted you in days. If you have started to ignore his calls or whine every times he calls, dump him immediately. When the communication has stopped, usually the love has too.

2. He flirts right in front of you:

This is completely disrespectful and he does not deserve you or your precious time. Obviously when he is not with you he probably looks at a good looking woman passing by, but when he does it in front of you and even flirts he is NOT worthy of you. Don’t waste your time with this loser, dump him and find yourself a better guy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Don’t ever settle with a guy you are not fully happy with.

3. He has become lazy and complacent:

You can forget about going out for a romantic night on the town, your man is too lazy to do anything. He is so used to you he doesn’t even try. He figures you will put up with it, because you love him. HE IS WRONG! It is time he shapes. Stop putting up with his lack of effort and dump him if he doesn’t change. In the beginning of your relationship, you guys couldn’t get enough of each other. You guys had plans every weekend. You would dress up in your hottest outfit and you looked smoken. Now, he doesn’t even notice when you change your hair color. The compliments have stopped and he can’t be bothered to make plans. It is time you have a talk with him and set him straight. If he doesn’t make an effort to try harder than it is time you dump his lazy ass.

4. The arguing never stops:

The arguing never stops: You guys can’t seem to connect and now every little thing bothers you about him. Those little habits you found cute at first are now simply annoying. This is definitely a sign that it’s time to dump him. Things are about to get uglier. He is not going to understand why you find his habits irritating when you loved them in the beginning. Better yet, he is probably not going to change since he has been the same way for quite some time.

5. The sex has dwindled:

If you guys barely get it on any more it might be time to dump him. Let’s face it girls men love sex, well at least the majority of them. Usually when couples first start dating, they can’t seem to get their hands off of each other. As time goes on the sex can get better and better since you have a better understanding of how to please each other. However, sometimes the sex can get worse especially when couples are constantly fighting.  So if he barely touches you anymore and turns you down or just falls asleep every night then you have got a problem. Sex is an important part of every committed relationship. Unless you guys have made a commitment to wait until marriage, then going from having sex often to almost nothing at all is a sign you might have to reevaluate your relationship.

Breakup with Him Gracefully:

1. Be nice and sensitive about it. Just because you are over it doesn’t mean he is. Don’t yell or use profanity. Breaking up is a devastating for most people so make sure you keep his feelings in mind.

2. Do it in person. I know it is hard, but if you ever want to be friends then you must give him some respect and breakup with him in person. Treat him how you would want to be treated if you were getting dumped.

3. Realize there is no painless way to breakup with him. No matter what, it will hurt. It will definitely hurt you as well, because although you are no longer in love with him you most likely still care about him.

4. Be prepared. Make sure you know what you want to say before meeting with him.

5. Stay poised. Although he might say mean things or yell, it is important that you don’t. It is often the case that the person getting dumped is so hurt they begun to lose control of their emotions. First he may be apologetic, then desperation might kick in as he begs you to stay with him, and then he might become angry and mean. You simply need to realize that this is what often happens when someone is heart broken, I’m sure you have been there yourself.

6. Honesty is not always the best policy. If the reason you want to breakup with him has to do with something sexual like he sucks in bed (this does happen), then definitely don’t tell him that. You don’t want him to be insecure for the rest of his life do you? Honesty is sometimes the best policy, but it simply depends. Use your best judgment.

How to Breakup with Him: The Don’t

1. Although it is the easy way out, don’t breakup with him through a text message. Many people have long drawn out conversations through texting, but breaking up should not be one of them. Only breakup with him in person. If you dump him through a text message then you are basically telling him he is not even worth your time. You don’t have enough respect for him to do it in person and your time together meant nothing to you. None of these things are probably true, so make sure he knows that you valued your time together but it is time to move on.

2. Don’t use the line “I think we should just be friends.” First off, so many people use that line and it sounds like a BIG FAT excuse. Secondly, if he still loves you there is no way he can be your friend until he is fully over you. To ask him to be your friend after you were just in a relationship is just plain ridiculous. Imagine if you were completely in love with him and he told you he just wanted to be friends?

3. Don’t tell him you need time or space if you know that it is 100 percent over. All you will be doing is giving him hope that the relationship might rekindle. Be completely clear that it is over. This may sound cold-hearted, but you are actually doing him a favor. He doesn’t realize it yet, but once he is completely over you he will.

4. Don’t say, “A part of me still love you.” Again all you are doing is giving him hope that if he works a little harder you will fall madly in love with him again.

5. If you have mutual friends then don’t tell them you are going to breakup with him. The word will get back to him before you have time to explain your feelings.

What Happens After You Breakup with Him:

1. Don’t call him or go visit him. You may feel bad compelled and want to be friendly, but you need to realize he is probably not ready. Give him some time to heal. Maybe he will call you after a few months.

2. Start dating if you want to. You have to make yourself happy and shouldn’t feel bad about doing so.

3. Now that you are single, you have more time to spend with your friends. It’s time to rekindle your friendships and spend time with friends you might have ignored while you were in the relationship.

4. Lastly, go on with your life. Stop wondering if he will ever forgive you. Relationships end and life goes on, this is a part of life. He will eventually realize it was for the best, and if for some reason he doesn’t then it is his problem not yours.

Breakup Songs Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better:

1. Get that dusty iPod out, and start listening to Beyoncé. If you have never been a fan of her, then become one ASAP. Her music is perfect for after a breakup. Her songs will make you feel powerful and get you out of the mental sadness. Listen to songs by Beyoncé such as “Irreplaceable” or “Ring the Alarm.”
2. I never really viewed Muse as someone who I would turn to for breakup songs, but the song “Feeling Good” will do a good job of help you realize it is a new day with a bright new start.

 Breakup Songs that Make You Feel Powerful:

1. My ultimate favorite breakup song and one that helped me through several breakups is “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. This song is so amazing at making a woman feel like she can get over anything. After one of my most devastating breakups from a guy I dated for seven years, I used to literally listen to this song over and over again. Here is a sneak peak at some of the lyrics:

Fighter, by Christina Aguilera

After all of the stealing and cheating

You probably think that I hold resentment for you

But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong

‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do

I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

Breakup Songs for the Cheating Bastard:

1. If you went through a messy breakup after finding out your partner was cheating on you then you definitely need to listen to “Unfoolish” by Ashanti. This song is for those who dealt with cheating assholes. Among several other great breakup songs by this artist, this one is my favorite. After listening to it, it will make you feel a sense of relief to have to do deal with dating someone who constantly lies to you.
2. When talking about about breakup songs, one cannot forget about Pink.  “So What” by Pink. She is an amazing strong female who doesn’t take shit from anyone.
3. Justin Timberlake has a few great breakup songs, but one that I have turned to after almost every breakup is “Cry Me A River.”

Breakup Songs that Help You Wallow in your Breakup

1. There is none

You are probably wondering why we didn’t list any breakup songs to help you wallow in your sadness. At DearVagina we rarely recommend wallowing in your misery. Instead, we think you need to get up and get moving. We know it hurts, we know you want to pull your heart out, we know if feels like you will never get over it, but the good news is all those feelings will pass.  You will eventually feel better and when you meet the next guy you fall in love with, you will laugh at how depressed you were in your past breakups. With every breakup we learn to be stronger and it hurts a little less.

The truth is most women have a ton of options when it comes to men. I know not all men are winners, but after a breakup don’t sit around and be depressed. Get back to dating ASAP. Why waste time? I can’t think of one good reason to wait. Maybe you think you need time to heal. Bullshit. You will heal faster by meeting other people. I can guarantee you he is probably not sitting around crying.

After dating a guy for seven years, and being completely broken hearted I couldn’t think about dating. My best friend convinced me to go on a date, so I did. During the date, all I could think about was my ex-boyfriend. I was miserable. Then  friend persuaded me to join a dating site, so literally the next day I did. I had a date almost every day of the week. It was hard at first, because I was still sad about my ex-boyfriend. As time went on, however, I started to feel stronger, powerful, and started to get over the breakup. I realized that my ex was not the only one I would ever meet and recognized I had a ton of choices. The reality is women have many choices when it comes to men and we need to be pickier.

After a break, men will often find it harder to meet another girl right away. It is not as easy for men to date as it is for women. A perfect example of this is being on an online dating site. My husband and I met on an online dating site. Like I said earlier, I had a date almost every day of the week. On the contrary, my husband would send out emails to women and never hear back. The same goes for most of his male friends who have tried online dating. For every email my husband sent to a woman, I probably got five emails from various men. The moral of the story, as a woman you have many options and there is no need to dwell over one idiot. You need to realize you are worth more than what your ex gave you and there are plenty of fish in the sea waiting to prove it to you.  Breakup songs are just what you need to get your started on getting over that loser!

The Process of Getting Over A Breakup

During a breakup, we frequently do things we later regret. We have all made a fool of ourselves at one point in our lives.  We stalk him, we wait by the phone, we plead and beg, and the list goes on. Why do breakups hurt so much even when we know the relationship is no longer good? Breakups represent the loss of shared goals, dreams, and future plans. Breakups also symbolize the loss of someone who was very close to us and can often feel like the death of a loved one. Although getting over a breakup is a struggle, it is important to realize that you can move on and will.

The Don’ts of Getting Over A Breakup

1. Don’t call him and beg him back. If he wanted to be with you he would. It is literally that simple. There is no in between for men. When a man makes up his mind that he does not want you don’t plead with him to stay. You will only make yourself look desperate. Even if you do get him back, it will only be temporarily and your pain will be placed on hold until he dumps you again. Why would you want to be with someone you literally had to beg back? Getting over a break up is hard, but regaining your dignity will be even harder.

2. Don’t take a break from each other.  Taking a break doesn’t solve whatever issue he has with you. All it does is give him space from you and prolongs the inevitable. Taking a break makes getting over a breakup even harder as you will most likely be waiting and hoping it works out.

3. Whatever you do, DO NOT STALK HIM. Don’t drive by his house, don’t constantly call him, and don’t Facebook stalk him. All this will do is make you look like a nutcase and validate his reasoning for dumping you. The best thing to do when getting over a breakup is stop all contact to him (at least until you are completely over him).

4. Do not have breakup sex. If he dumped you then he has already had time to digest the breakup while  you are still fragile. Having sex with him will only complicate. Your feelings will grow for him and you will  become more attached. Remember if he does have sex with you he is essentially taking advantage of your vulnerability. Breakup sex is the worst thing you can do when getting over a breakup.

5. Do not take him back if he cheated on you. Getting over a breakup is difficult enough, but taking him back after he cheated on you will be even harder. You will rack your brain wondering if he will do it again. You won’t trust him and you will be tempted to keep tabs on him. This sounds like too much work and too much stress.

The Do’s Of Getting Over A Breakup

1. Instead of moping at home, get out and do some exercise. Exercising is great for getting over a breakup. It will make you feel better and do wonders for your body. Looking your best is sometimes the best revenge.

2. Hang out with your girlfriends. This is mandatory when getting over a breakup. Go out for drinks, dinner, shopping, and get your mind off that idiot.

3. Talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling. Sometimes just talking it out can make you feel better and helps with the process of getting over a breakup.

4. One of the hardest things about getting over a breakup is not being scared to be alone. Sometimes are desperation to be with someone is related to being scared to be alone. Change is always scary, but when you are getting over a breakup, embrace change as an opportunity for growth.

5. Create a “getting over a breakup CD.” When I was younger, my girlfriends and I had a “getting over a breakup cd” we passed around. All the songs on the CD were empowering. Anytime I felt like crying, I would turn on the music and sing away.

6. Think about all the annoying things you hated about your ex helps when getting over a breakup. Sometimes when we think we are in love, we become blinded by the things that really annoy us about the person we are dating. Learn from your experience so the next time you will not settle with next guy you choose.

7. It is ok to cry when getting over a breakup. Holding back your emotions is not healthy. Try writing them down and keeping a journal. This is a great way to see your progress. You will notice that as time goes by your emotions will change. Time does heal. Be completely honest and do not edit yourself.

8. Get rid or at least put away any pictures, letters, and gifts from your ex. This is crucial when getting over a breakup because you do not want anything that will remind you of him. You are in a delicate state and you do not want anything interrupting your progress.

This loss of control would drive anyone to do things they never could imagine seeing themselves do. The majority of us can admit to falling prey to irrational ways of thinking after breaking up with someone we love. If I do X, Y, and Z, then he will not leave. This false love affair continues and ultimately prolongs the inevitable. The reality is breaking up usually involves one person letting go and the other holding on.  Sometimes what we are really trying to avoid by holding on is feeling the loss and grief that inevitably follow a break up.

People are always saying when breaking up, “Time heals all wounds,” but is this really the case? Thinking about it, this phrase is not completely accurate in the grand scheme of things. It’s not the “time” that will heal your wounds, but rather the steps and decisions made during this time that will patch the scars left behind from breaking up. Working through the mixed emotions is a process. The journey is different for everyone and can feel chaotic at times. After breaking up, it is crucial to make a commitment to allow yourself the time needed to heal. Being patient and gentle is important during this period while working through the flood of feelings and emotions that are part of breaking up. It is vital for us to allow ourselves the space and time to actually “feel” the loss and grief of the relationship as a whole. Only then can we begin to plant the seeds of healing within our psyche. The alternative to healing is hiding under your shell, forever jaded and certain that all relationships will eventually end in a break up.  Some will say, “I don’t want to feel the pain and sadness of breaking up as it forces me to ride this unstoppable emotional roller-coaster.”

Breaking up is like a roller-coaster.

Letting go of someone you love is always difficult. After breaking up, you will go through an emotional roller-coaster. Challenge yourself and commit to riding it all the way through. There will be days when you feel worse than others. If you feel like crying do it. Don’t hold back your tears. Instead of running and hiding, give yourself the time needed to fully get over the person you lost. This doesn’t mean you should sit at home and just cry all day, but you should not be scared to feel the pain.

The good news about breaking up

is that eventually, the pain, the confusion, and the loss will subside.  Sooner or later the chaos and madness from breaking up begins to chip away. We all know breaking up never comes in a neat, tidy package with a red ribbon.  Feeling are bound to be hurt.  After breaking up, try to spend more time with friends and family as they can offer insight and perspective you may have been blind to.  If you can afford it, go on a short vacation with girlfriends.  This will allow you the time to reconnect with friends and not spend so much time sitting around thinking about what could have been.  Surrounding yourself with people who love you and can make you feel better is always helpful after breaking up. Spend time working on yourself.  Be a little selfish.  Work out, finish that project, read a book or just relax.  To get a man’s perspective, check out Dr. V, click here http://www.dearvagina.com/ask-the-love-doctor/

Breaking up is never easy,

but sometimes we need to realize that two people are just not meant to be, no matter how much we want it to work. Instead of considering a failed relationship a waste of time, try to see it as a lesson in the classroom of life. After breaking up it may seem impossible to find any meaning as to why it happened, but the lessons learned after breaking up can assist us in finding and forging a better relationship in the future.  Although it may not seem like it now, the leaves and branches and fruit that fall when breaking up can actually end up planting the seeds of a much more bountiful tomorrow.